Retreat

I had the opportunity this last weekend to sleep on the floor in the freezing cold. . .sound like fun?

Well, technically, I didn't sleep directly on the floor. Technically, I slept on an air mattress. However, for someone with back problems like me, there really wasn't a whole lot of difference, air or no air. Which by the end of the night,  the air in between me and the carpet was definitely lacking.

I am regularly gifted with opportunities such as the previously described because of my dedication to being a youth counselor. Generally, Danny, our youth director, makes it a point to get us accommodations that include regular beds and air conditioning. This time, though, we were given the chance to stay at a house located on the Withlacoochee River outside of Dunnellon, Florida.

Why were we retreating?
Because of Confirmation.
Well, specifically because the current Confirmation class is coming up on the big day, and we usually take them away for a weekend before hand to finish up their lessons and to also enjoy each others company outside of the church walls.

I was so tired going into this past weekend. I'd been working in the church office for two and a half weeks, as well as taking care of rental business, house-sitting jobs, and my other job at the church. Needless to say the idea of spending my weekend acting as a youth counselor was not high on my list of things that sounded fun. But, I went. Well, actually I drove, two of the confirmands got to ride in my car up to Ocala.

I'm not going to go into a play by play of the weekend, or the lessons that we went over.
I'm simply going to put down in writing how much I enjoyed my time on Friday and Saturday, hanging out on the dock with the kids. Oh, and fishing.

Fishing is one of the things that Mom and Dad shared with Russ and I growing up. Not to say that we were ever extremely successful in catching anything. It was always a time for hanging out with each other and enjoying nature. Fish fries afterwards were also wonderful times of togetherness, especially with mom's brothers and their families. The smell of frying fish and hush-puppies always brings back memories of those times (and I don't eat fish, so that's saying something!)

I love fishing. I loving sitting on a dock, on the bank of a river or lake, on a pier, on a boat. The simple act of getting your line and hook set for throwing out into the water, the waiting, the gentle tug of the flow of the water, nibbles on your bait, and possibly a set hook in the mouth of an unsuspecting fish. . .there is peace in that, peace which I can carry in my mind and go back to in times of frustration or distress.
The sights, the sounds, the smells. . .they all roll up into this bundle of happiness, even those times when dad couldn't get the motor running on our old bass tracker and we'd be stuck out in the middle of the lake, listening to him mutter and curse.

I found myself remembering all of this while standing on the dock with the youth, as they asked me for advice on how to tie on a weight or float or hook, how best to attach the bait, etc. I loved it. I absolutely loved it. I found myself thanking God over and over and over again for dragging my resentful, irritated, and tired soul out of my hidey hole of self-pity and exhaustion and out onto the pine planks of that dock.

Because guess what?
I got to add to that bundle of happiness.. .
The moment when Caitlyn caught a catfish and squealed that she didn't want it, nearly throwing down her rod and losing the whole thing.
The moment when William caught his first brim on his own with no help and grinned with pleasure as he grasped the wriggling little body.
The sight of children waking up early to get their fish on, groggily trying to tie on hooks and weights.

Sleeping on the floor was totally worth it. . . . :)

Great Day

Had an awesome day yesterday.

Started off with breakfast at Buddy Freddy's in Plant City with my parents, my aunt and uncle, and my cousin Sheila.

Cousin Sheila and Mom

Then, we "swung by" Lake Lindsay and the Audubon preserve on our way back home.

Upon entering the preserve, I spotted this bird right away, atop a dead pine tree. Unfortunately, I did not take this pic, didn't have my camera. But, I googled for an image just so you could see how neat this bird's coloring is. I've never seen a red-headed woodpecker in the wild, so this was a life bird moment for me. Though they are common in areas of Florida, all I've got around my house are Pileated woodpeckers and Red-bellied woodpeckers.

Red-headed Woodpecker

When we drove further into the preserve, we parked at the wildlife center to ask for directions to the Ahochee preserve (mom had heard they were having a native plant sale.) So dad and I waited outside, and one of the maintenance guys pulled this beautiful yellow rat snake out of the information sign. Gorgeous and HUGE!

We drove down to the Ahochee preserve after that, and I picked up a Coral bean plant for my yard. Been looking for one, so I couldn't believe my luck.

Had to take this shot of the oak canopy. . .Love this, and it was drizzling rain, so it was extremely mystical standing under those trees.

And to top off the day, I called my brother and sister to talk. Lana let Leya talk on the phone, and she said for the first time "Hi Jamie".

Let's just say, "Aunt Jamie" has doing the happy dance for two days straight, and telling everybody about it!

The road is empty except for me

Each night, I hook Toby up to his leash and proceed to walk him up the road outside my house.
Each night, I put one headphone in my left ear, turn on my ipod, and spend the ten minutes of dog walking time singing, whistling, dancing in the dark.

Free. That's how I feel in those moments. Nobody's watching me make a fool of myself except for God and Toby. Randomly a car will speed by, ignoring my presence almost to point of running me off the road.
I persevere, though. I sing praises and prayers to God at the top of my lungs. I whistle out complicated melodies and don't care if the neighbors can hear me.

This is my time. My time to let loose, my time to shout, my time to be with God.

Last night, we connected like a sizzling bolt of electricity. My heart beat wildly, tears sprang to my eyes, and I felt myself drunkenly roaming all over the road as I prayed and prayed and prayed, words spilling from my tongue: Help me Father, forgive me Father, help me forgive those who weigh on my heart and mind.

It was. . .I can't even describe it. . .I didn't want to go inside. I wanted to stay in that moment.
I did go inside. I unhooked Toby, took my pills, and laid down to go to sleep. My body still thrummed with energy.

SO. . .here's the song, here's the words. . . this is the whole song. If you've never heard it, check it out on youtube or itunes.

"Losing" by Tenth Avenue North

I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong?
Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love, this is hate...
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

  It's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
But Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love, this is hate...
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
 

We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
 

But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
 

We build our bridges up 

but just to burn them down
 

We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop
 

But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
 

Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
 

Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down


Oh, Father won't you forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
Yeah, I feel like I've been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losin'

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin' 

There are no pictures for this post. I just felt the need to get down in writing this moment in time.