The road is empty except for me

Each night, I hook Toby up to his leash and proceed to walk him up the road outside my house.
Each night, I put one headphone in my left ear, turn on my ipod, and spend the ten minutes of dog walking time singing, whistling, dancing in the dark.

Free. That's how I feel in those moments. Nobody's watching me make a fool of myself except for God and Toby. Randomly a car will speed by, ignoring my presence almost to point of running me off the road.
I persevere, though. I sing praises and prayers to God at the top of my lungs. I whistle out complicated melodies and don't care if the neighbors can hear me.

This is my time. My time to let loose, my time to shout, my time to be with God.

Last night, we connected like a sizzling bolt of electricity. My heart beat wildly, tears sprang to my eyes, and I felt myself drunkenly roaming all over the road as I prayed and prayed and prayed, words spilling from my tongue: Help me Father, forgive me Father, help me forgive those who weigh on my heart and mind.

It was. . .I can't even describe it. . .I didn't want to go inside. I wanted to stay in that moment.
I did go inside. I unhooked Toby, took my pills, and laid down to go to sleep. My body still thrummed with energy.

SO. . .here's the song, here's the words. . . this is the whole song. If you've never heard it, check it out on youtube or itunes.

"Losing" by Tenth Avenue North

I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong?
Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love, this is hate...
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

  It's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
But Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love, this is hate...
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
 

We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
 

But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
 

We build our bridges up 

but just to burn them down
 

We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop
 

But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
 

Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
 

Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down


Oh, Father won't you forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
Yeah, I feel like I've been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losin'

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin' 

There are no pictures for this post. I just felt the need to get down in writing this moment in time.